Thursday, February 23, 2006
Restless and Wondering
I have that need to run that want to sprint away from everything that is my life. I can not explain why I want everything to change, but I am just not sure how to go on dealing with the problems I have built in to the day to day that is my life.
My oldest son's special needs have me realing and the fact that he was home and had a bad day yeaterday has had me crying too. There is truly no place that trains parents to handle children with special needs I have read every book about raising kids on the market and none of them cover children with mental illness issuse, where should I turn now.
There is a job doing work I have done before near where I live but the diffrence between then and now is that I have no confidence in myself or my ablities. I could have learned then to do the work for the job that they need done now, but I have to many other things on my plate to even care about learning the job all over again.
In truth I do not care about much of anything right now. As terrible as it is right now it could be said that I am having a self pity party. Dear me! Poor Me! Oh no this can not be happing to me?! The whole nine yards in fact.
I am just bearly taking care of my family and I am ashamed of the job that I am doing as a house wife, so if I did throw my heart and soul in to a job, then I would not be doing anything right. That would not be a big shocker either because in the whole of my life I have not done anything right! I am ashamed that so many things cause me to privatly remember past wrongs and to flinch at the thought of new things because of how I bodged up the old event once upon a time.
I have a bran new regreat to add to the list too. There are some crooked dealings going on at a site that I enjoy visiting and I was acused of costing the site money. That shocked me and I know that I need to make amends, but I am waiting for the emotional rush of weakness to pass me before I say or do anything else. After all of the effort I put into the place I could not bear to have all of those personal details left behind and all of those people lost to me.
Even online it seems that no matter what i do there is a debt to be paid and feelings hurt. The bloom is off of the rose, and the truth is now known to me even online people are people and feelings count too. Now I have to even up my online time too!
Real life is such a struggle and retreating in to my dreams is getting harder and harder for me. I know I still can dream, but for now finding comfort in those dreams is nearly impossible for me. Oddly I find new dreams and wants creeping in around the corners now and I have no idea what to make of most of them.
I have been on the phone with a friend of mine for hours a day every day, we use to talk and our visits on the phone and online were fun, but we are at that point where there is nothing left to say. The two of us end up lugging the phone around as we deal with our families with the other listing in on the other end making random comments. I have had so few friends that At this point I am wondering if we are still friends or what the heck is going on now. I know she has to be tired of me calling and venting and rating about the stress in my life and I have blogged about being tired of her career braging and stories she tells too. Where do friendships go when they are all worn out any way? What am I to do with out the comfort and support I felt I got from talking to her. I am in my 30's and just now things are happing for the first time in my life. I wish I knew with out asking, but I have never had this hapen before and now I have to ask. What happens next?
Well that is what is in my heart and going on in my life in a nutschell right now!
# posted by Sassy @ 9:12 AM 
