Friday, March 03, 2006
Bad Day Today
I feel glum sad blue and depressed today. 
Living with my special needs son who will be 12 year old in a few short days is a great deal of very hard work. 
He wispers or yells and he is very hard to deal with. He cares more for his toys than he does for the rest of our family. He has started tearing at things again, grabbing, hitting, kicking and brouding too. I really do not think he even understands why what he is doing is wrong and that he must not act that way. 
Like the mime in the box, he can not see that it is all made up and that he HAS to be a part of the real world. He is hidden behind his mental illness and I keep trying to see the kid he is and not the illnesses he has. Kind of like denial I guess. No matter what I think or how I see things, the fact is how things really are just seems to keep getting worse. The hardest part is there does not seem to be anything I can do to make it better for my son or for my family.
Worst of all I am fight off the Peru flu
and feeling total crummy myself. I had forgotten how much the flu and the aches and pains that come with it can really be. I would just like one of the many things I am worried about to get settled so that I can at least feel like I can handle things as they stand.
Living in a crummy rental house, raising a mental ill child, struggling with my husband regarding our diffrent parenting skills, money, cleaning house, being the mother of four children, defining my faith, coming to terms with my age and health, extended family, personal goals, unanswered letters, the list just keeps getting longer and I just keep feeling sad and totaly defeated by my whole life. I question the choices I made when I was 17, 18, 19, years old. Heck I question the choices I make all of the time. It could just be the flu talking, but things seem bleak and that leave me feeling all alone and sad nearly everyday.
I will always love my children and my husband but right now I am not so sure that I can stand myself.
but that is how I feel right now.
Living with my special needs son who will be 12 year old in a few short days is a great deal of very hard work. He wispers or yells and he is very hard to deal with. He cares more for his toys than he does for the rest of our family. He has started tearing at things again, grabbing, hitting, kicking and brouding too. I really do not think he even understands why what he is doing is wrong and that he must not act that way. Like the mime in the box, he can not see that it is all made up and that he HAS to be a part of the real world. He is hidden behind his mental illness and I keep trying to see the kid he is and not the illnesses he has. Kind of like denial I guess. No matter what I think or how I see things, the fact is how things really are just seems to keep getting worse. The hardest part is there does not seem to be anything I can do to make it better for my son or for my family.Worst of all I am fight off the Peru flu
and feeling total crummy myself. I had forgotten how much the flu and the aches and pains that come with it can really be. I would just like one of the many things I am worried about to get settled so that I can at least feel like I can handle things as they stand.Living in a crummy rental house, raising a mental ill child, struggling with my husband regarding our diffrent parenting skills, money, cleaning house, being the mother of four children, defining my faith, coming to terms with my age and health, extended family, personal goals, unanswered letters, the list just keeps getting longer and I just keep feeling sad and totaly defeated by my whole life. I question the choices I made when I was 17, 18, 19, years old. Heck I question the choices I make all of the time. It could just be the flu talking, but things seem bleak and that leave me feeling all alone and sad nearly everyday.
I will always love my children and my husband but right now I am not so sure that I can stand myself.
but that is how I feel right now.# posted by Sassy @ 11:38 AM 
