Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Bend In The Road
I have not wanted or needed to say this in a long time. Today I feel stressed and depressed too. I feel powerless and confused too. It is nice to know that I can keep a positive outlook but today it is so far gone that I do not really want to open my eyes. I did not want to get out of bed today, but I had to so I made myself. I am ashamed to say that my esting habbits have slipped back in to the rehlm of the unhealthy and the junk food I am eating is making things worse not better.
If I am going to have friends I need to be a friend and I have been very bad about that for weeks now. I call people to talk and pull myself out of this funk, then I let them talk and I do not say what has been bothering me. I am not sure that I know for sure everything that has been bothering me. Being the mother of a mentaly ill child is so draining, but being anybody's Mom is draining. I try and try to keep my marriage in good shape and right now at this very moment I think we are doing well, but I need to spend time that I do not have making my Husband feel special. Boosting his ego is very hard when I feel totaly empty. I need him to work on boosting my ego. My Husband bought a $700.00 car that he was droling over and he knows there is a $250.00 ring that I have been pining over, but he will not even talk about buying what is important to me. Really we are both stupid as stumps to be looking at and buying stuff when we have so much bad debt. Each night I pray that we will be able to pay off our debts, and get to a respectable place with money. We have not made that happen in all of the time we have been together. When I think about money I feel terrible like I am why my Husband struggles. I still belive that I am why my parents struggled with money. I cost more money than I am worth, and all the wrong things are important to me. Yep see I am depressed, and sad. Having a home to be comfortable in is so very important to me, and right now we are having a great deal of trouble sorting out where home is going to be and how our life is going to work out. I may not be wise with money but if it were up to me we would not befacing homelessness and these huge choices that we only have minutes to make.
I have been a friendship that is falling apart right before my eyes and I do not know what to do about it. At first we were friends and that was nice, then we lived in towns by each other and our families got to be friends and that was new for me. Now with a three hour drive between our familes we are best of friends online and on the phone too. Now while that sounds nice, it is really not working out. We use to call each other and have things to say on the phone, now we call and not much gets talked about but we are still on the phone for hours. Sometimes I feel like I am buting in on their lives. I keep asking myself if friends feel like they are in each others way? I do not hink true friends feel like they are in each others way ever. I miss the phone calls about kids homework and family gatherings, but those are in the past and gone from the here and now. She has taken to beliving that their marriage is in trouble. I do not see the trouble she speakes of, from where I stand. I do not know if I should belive what she says or talk to him more to gain prospective on the situation. After some thought I want to step back even more because there problems have nothing to do with me. My own problems are big enough, so they should deal with their own problems. It is not my job to fix them. It is my job to work out my own families problems.
If I am going to have friends I need to be a friend and I have been very bad about that for weeks now. I call people to talk and pull myself out of this funk, then I let them talk and I do not say what has been bothering me. I am not sure that I know for sure everything that has been bothering me. Being the mother of a mentaly ill child is so draining, but being anybody's Mom is draining. I try and try to keep my marriage in good shape and right now at this very moment I think we are doing well, but I need to spend time that I do not have making my Husband feel special. Boosting his ego is very hard when I feel totaly empty. I need him to work on boosting my ego. My Husband bought a $700.00 car that he was droling over and he knows there is a $250.00 ring that I have been pining over, but he will not even talk about buying what is important to me. Really we are both stupid as stumps to be looking at and buying stuff when we have so much bad debt. Each night I pray that we will be able to pay off our debts, and get to a respectable place with money. We have not made that happen in all of the time we have been together. When I think about money I feel terrible like I am why my Husband struggles. I still belive that I am why my parents struggled with money. I cost more money than I am worth, and all the wrong things are important to me. Yep see I am depressed, and sad. Having a home to be comfortable in is so very important to me, and right now we are having a great deal of trouble sorting out where home is going to be and how our life is going to work out. I may not be wise with money but if it were up to me we would not befacing homelessness and these huge choices that we only have minutes to make.
I have been a friendship that is falling apart right before my eyes and I do not know what to do about it. At first we were friends and that was nice, then we lived in towns by each other and our families got to be friends and that was new for me. Now with a three hour drive between our familes we are best of friends online and on the phone too. Now while that sounds nice, it is really not working out. We use to call each other and have things to say on the phone, now we call and not much gets talked about but we are still on the phone for hours. Sometimes I feel like I am buting in on their lives. I keep asking myself if friends feel like they are in each others way? I do not hink true friends feel like they are in each others way ever. I miss the phone calls about kids homework and family gatherings, but those are in the past and gone from the here and now. She has taken to beliving that their marriage is in trouble. I do not see the trouble she speakes of, from where I stand. I do not know if I should belive what she says or talk to him more to gain prospective on the situation. After some thought I want to step back even more because there problems have nothing to do with me. My own problems are big enough, so they should deal with their own problems. It is not my job to fix them. It is my job to work out my own families problems.
# posted by Sassy @ 9:10 AM 
