Saturday, June 10, 2006
On The Journey
Well as with all things there are eventful times and there are times you end up going it all alone too. Right now I am still recovering from my first sugery. As I recover slowly times seems to mean less and less because if I keep track of it then I will know just how long I have been hurting and I simply do not want to know. Who can blame me for that?Right now time is passing and I am sure many people are wondering why I do not have much to say. The truth is healing is slow going. (hold on to your hats TMI ahead!) The scar on my right breast hurts terribly. The scabs have come off but it is still very tender and my whole breast hurts. I was shocked that there is still a discharge now after surgery. I have taken to wearing a nursing pad that I can just throw away. I wonder if there is not more healing inside than just the scar outside? Heck what do I know of it I am just the patient!I should have made the doctor PROVE to me that I needed the surgery! I was tired and weak and now I feel very taken advantage of. Honestly I am so MAD at the doctor I dealt with.Yesterday on the phone with my Grandma I asked her about why people who learn about my journey jump right in and talk to me about not being afraid of dieing? I have only seen this question through my eyes and I am so glad i asked my Grandma. The answer I got resounded with truth and made me feel emotional selfish. Grandma said that people are just dealing with their own fears out loud and I get to hear it because they need to say it. The answers I get are meant for the ears of the people speaking not so much for my ears. This insight has forced me to think of the many answers I have received over the past months. Over all people live in fear of death and dieing, some people speak first of the value of life, and still others bound straight for prayers and statements of faith. What I need to listen to is the fact that they are concerned about me and it is okay for me to just let all of the extra information go in one ear and out the other. Now that I have some idea where my journey is going to take me I would rather face it calmly and with a level head than with the stress and worry of the world at large.Now that I know more about who I am I am totally determined to use this weakness to make myself stronger.
# posted by Sassy @ 2:22 PM 
